The Blog about Squash: The Sport, Not the Vegetable

Wednesday, February 05, 2014 - By: Toby CH, Photos Joe K

The Blog about Squash - 1
The Blog about Squash - 2

On July 27, 2013, Universal Studios released "Fast Five" into movie theatres. On January 24, Brentwood's own “Fast Five” were released onto the ISA squash tournament.

Entering the tournament from Brentwood was a strong group of men, including Shawn H, Whittall, '14 who has the nickname of “Fire” for a reason, the wily Jeen S, Whittall '14 who has serves as powerful as the lenses on his glasses, and Henri VR, Rogers ‘14 who was recently named “Most Intimidating Man in the Southern Saanich Region.” It was a genuine honor to play with this group of fine athletes.

As Brentwood did not send any supporters down to this tournament, we fought the hard battle ourselves, representing the school as well as we could. We may have gone unnoticed, but we hope, one day, to earn your respect. Kind of like firefighters.

Though we did not have a fantastic result, missing the podium by a spot, it was still one to be proud of, and especially so in the case of the mountain melting performance by our Captain of Squash.

Prose can only do so much. Sometimes, poetry is the only worthy descriptor.

This is one of those times.


In a day full of rain, sleet, smog, and pain

Enter the epitome of sangfroid, his opponent’s bane

Like Hulk Hogan on steroids with the face of an angel

Strides the pinnacle of squash, making his opponents look shameful.

His name is Kelly A and he never needs to warm up

An Arctic wolf, his opponents are like seal pups

Winning this tournament would be Basic, like Samuel L Jackson

And losing would be Unthinkable, also like Samuel L Jackson.

With his first game at 2 he knew just what to do

Fly a kite? Eat a bun? No! Play squash, and well too!

Grabbing his racket and glasses [he needs these to play]

Like Ferde Grofé Junior he would direct his Judgment Day.

Before entering the court – he paused – reflecting on his journey

From his mother’s caring womb all the way to this squash tourney

Like Brosnon in The Matador, it all lead up to this

It was a once-in-a-lifetime shot, and one he didn’t want to miss.

His hands more Steeley than Remmington, his wits Sharpe like Shannon

His first hit of the ball was like a shot from a cannon

As if Blackbeard himself was o’erseeing this match

Turning the waters red with battle, this court was soon a bloodbath.

As the game neared its close, his opponent made a mistake

With the milk and ice cream of skill Kelly mixed him a failure milkshake

Kind of like the Pacific Ocean, Kelly was full of salty courage

And even when he lost a point, he did not discourage.

Like the decision to make stop signs, the game was really good

and once the ref had blown the final whistle, there the one winner stood

His opponent was the victor?! So confused his mind still spinning;

Had Kelly A really just given him the coveted gift of winning?

Although his result was a loss, Kelly's face was amused

His opponent, like Milla Jovovich, was Dazed and Confused

Was he stupid like a baby? Well he did have baby arms

He really needs to bulk up and drink some more Island Farms.

As they crossed the floor, a handshake Kelly gave

Because to the virtue of respect he is a willing slave

As he walked out it was clear that winning never was his aim

Because only fools play to win; Kelly played for the game .

Toby CH, Privett ‘15

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